Lost!

I thought I was on the right road to happiness. I got lost.

I thought I was heading the right way. I think I missed my turn. Or maybe its still miles away. I hate getting my hopes up when I think this is it...i'm on the right track. I'm almost there. But I took the wrong exit. Crap! not again.

I know it seems as if all I do is complain. And that i'm not a happy person. I'm just on an up and down road. I'm not suicidal...but if i died i wouldnt mind. I can be overdramatic. But I really feel like I have no purpose here in life...that i'm just a waste of space. I'm the person who happy successful people look at and talk about what a mess of a person I am.

I once heard that contentment is easier to get to....but how do i get there? I need directions.

I dont know why...

...people say things that they dont really mean!?!... Is it because they dont want to dissapoint me or because they dont want to hurt my feelings? I can understand that. But think about it...in the end, when the real truth comes out, its gonna be worse for me. Its because you lied to me and got my hopes up. At least if you tell me the truth now, it wont seem so bad and I wont have gotten my hopes and dreams up!

It never fails...once you think things are turning for the better...something always has to knock you down.

Thanks alot!

It took me a while to be use to the fact that I may never get married again. It use to annoy the shit outta me when people would ask...."so when are you getting married?"... I fucking hate it!!! Do you really think I can predict the future and see when??? Do I really know??? Do I know if my current boyfriend is going to propose??? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! So stop fucking asking!!!!!!!!! Its' already one of my sensitive subjects...of course I want to get married and have a family. But now, I have somehow accepted the fact (at a 60%). I would rather just become a mom than a wife!

So now, when people bring up weddings, engagements, or ask when's it my turn...I can almost easily say..."been there, done that" or "i dont want to get married"...once in awhile it gets to me, but its not as bad as before.

But now what irritates the crap outta me is when people ask "so when are you gonna have a baby?" again, DO I KNOW? AM I GOD? HELLO????!!!!! I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!!! When people announce that they are expceting, I am very much excited for them...I can honestly say that I am very happy for them because they have been blessed with the most precious gift. But I do get bummed. I feel sad, lonely, and a little empty....like something else is missing in my life.

When is it my turn? Dont ask me this...because this is the same thing I want to know. I have no clue...and it hurts...so dont ask

Used!

As much as possible i try to be there for people. to listen to them if they need to talk or if they have a problem. I dont mind at all.
I dont expect anything...but when i need something or some sort of help I would assume they would do the same in return.
then you feel bad when you realize that i'm uspet about this. so you feed me some bs to try and make me feel better. about how you've been thinking about stuff and came to some realization about life...and i fall for it! straight on! you got my hopes up. you can tell me all this stuff on the phone...but not to my face. and when i ask you about it, you have no answer.
i dont appreciate getting led on. if you dont mean it, dont say it.

I want....

a baby....my own family...

Lonely

I feel like I'm always "out of the loop"....even when I with people i know. it feels like i'm outta place. have I changed that much? It feels like my life has slowed down and that i live under a rock or something. I'm thinking that I've closed myself off to the world.

I cant explain it.

And even though I'm with a person who I LOVE very much and enjoy being with...you would say why would I feel this way? its probably because I want more...

is there anthing wrong with that? am i being too selfish???

Purpose

I feel like I spend most of my time worrying about things instead of enjoying life. I always get thoughts in my head which consume me. I'm 30 and I feel like I havent accomplished much in my life. People my age usually have alot under their belt like their own home...a family...husband/wife...children...financial stability....When I look at myself, I feel like such a failure. These thought and feelings come in waves. Its always there in my mind, but its usually an up and down thing.

What is my purpose here on earth? I feel like a waste of space. I feel like I have not made any kind of contribution to this world....What am I doing here?

Someone told me that things I start, I usually never complete. Wow...is it that obvious? I knew that already. I just didnt know that people saw that too! It just reassures me that I've failed. I've failed with everything I start...from the smallest thing like a simple project around the house, to being healthier, to a failed marriage.

I wish I could be happy. But no one ever really is...So i just wish I can find peace within myself.