Lost!

I thought I was on the right road to happiness. I got lost.

I thought I was heading the right way. I think I missed my turn. Or maybe its still miles away. I hate getting my hopes up when I think this is it...i'm on the right track. I'm almost there. But I took the wrong exit. Crap! not again.

I know it seems as if all I do is complain. And that i'm not a happy person. I'm just on an up and down road. I'm not suicidal...but if i died i wouldnt mind. I can be overdramatic. But I really feel like I have no purpose here in life...that i'm just a waste of space. I'm the person who happy successful people look at and talk about what a mess of a person I am.

I once heard that contentment is easier to get to....but how do i get there? I need directions.

I dont know why...

...people say things that they dont really mean!?!... Is it because they dont want to dissapoint me or because they dont want to hurt my feelings? I can understand that. But think about it...in the end, when the real truth comes out, its gonna be worse for me. Its because you lied to me and got my hopes up. At least if you tell me the truth now, it wont seem so bad and I wont have gotten my hopes and dreams up!

It never fails...once you think things are turning for the better...something always has to knock you down.

Thanks alot!

It took me a while to be use to the fact that I may never get married again. It use to annoy the shit outta me when people would ask...."so when are you getting married?"... I fucking hate it!!! Do you really think I can predict the future and see when??? Do I really know??? Do I know if my current boyfriend is going to propose??? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! So stop fucking asking!!!!!!!!! Its' already one of my sensitive subjects...of course I want to get married and have a family. But now, I have somehow accepted the fact (at a 60%). I would rather just become a mom than a wife!

So now, when people bring up weddings, engagements, or ask when's it my turn...I can almost easily say..."been there, done that" or "i dont want to get married"...once in awhile it gets to me, but its not as bad as before.

But now what irritates the crap outta me is when people ask "so when are you gonna have a baby?" again, DO I KNOW? AM I GOD? HELLO????!!!!! I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!!! When people announce that they are expceting, I am very much excited for them...I can honestly say that I am very happy for them because they have been blessed with the most precious gift. But I do get bummed. I feel sad, lonely, and a little empty....like something else is missing in my life.

When is it my turn? Dont ask me this...because this is the same thing I want to know. I have no clue...and it hurts...so dont ask

Used!

As much as possible i try to be there for people. to listen to them if they need to talk or if they have a problem. I dont mind at all.
I dont expect anything...but when i need something or some sort of help I would assume they would do the same in return.
then you feel bad when you realize that i'm uspet about this. so you feed me some bs to try and make me feel better. about how you've been thinking about stuff and came to some realization about life...and i fall for it! straight on! you got my hopes up. you can tell me all this stuff on the phone...but not to my face. and when i ask you about it, you have no answer.
i dont appreciate getting led on. if you dont mean it, dont say it.

I want....

a baby....my own family...

Lonely

I feel like I'm always "out of the loop"....even when I with people i know. it feels like i'm outta place. have I changed that much? It feels like my life has slowed down and that i live under a rock or something. I'm thinking that I've closed myself off to the world.

I cant explain it.

And even though I'm with a person who I LOVE very much and enjoy being with...you would say why would I feel this way? its probably because I want more...

is there anthing wrong with that? am i being too selfish???

Purpose

I feel like I spend most of my time worrying about things instead of enjoying life. I always get thoughts in my head which consume me. I'm 30 and I feel like I havent accomplished much in my life. People my age usually have alot under their belt like their own home...a family...husband/wife...children...financial stability....When I look at myself, I feel like such a failure. These thought and feelings come in waves. Its always there in my mind, but its usually an up and down thing.

What is my purpose here on earth? I feel like a waste of space. I feel like I have not made any kind of contribution to this world....What am I doing here?

Someone told me that things I start, I usually never complete. Wow...is it that obvious? I knew that already. I just didnt know that people saw that too! It just reassures me that I've failed. I've failed with everything I start...from the smallest thing like a simple project around the house, to being healthier, to a failed marriage.

I wish I could be happy. But no one ever really is...So i just wish I can find peace within myself.

Chapter 30

In life things never stay the same. No matter how much you are enjoying that time, one day it will come to an end. Things change. I'm not saying this to be negative. Its like chapters of a book. When one ends, another begins. I've been through many chapters already...

I call this chapter Outta Place.

My Adventure in Babysitting.

This is an old blog written in August 2007.

This is Gabey...

About 2 weeks ago I babysat Gabriel for about a week while his family went to Disneyland. I told Mylee that I could handle him for that long of a time…no problem! I've done it before…overnight.
Then just a week before I went to Hawaii with their family. (I had fun by the way.) I kinda started to have second thoughts about agreeing to take care of Gabey for that long. He could be difficult at times…Mylee looked like she was having a hard time when we went on vacation. It kinda freaked me out. Like what the heck was I suppose to do if he cried and cried and cried hysterically??? Luckily my parents were there for 2 days…just in case I couldn't take it…the other 3 I was on my own. Oh boy this was going to be a challenge!
Now if you know me…I love kids and I cant wait to have my own. But Gabey's kinda scary. Only cause I didn't think I could really handle him. And what if he don't listen to me then what? If I cant do it...does this mean i'm going to be a bad parent??? It seems like I don't have much patience. Am I going to be able to do this??? So basically I used this time as my "make it or break it"! I thought if I could do this…I should have kids…and if I cant even handle this, then I guess kids are just not for me. Riana referred to him as "the ultimate challenge". He was my challenge…my deciding factor.
He comes over on a Friday night. He was not in a very good mood. I think he knew something was wrong. But when his parents left, he was surprisingly okay. He kinda looked around a bit for them but went back to eating his Cheerios.
Time for bed. So we go to the room cause Mylee said to just turn the lights off and watch TV or something. So we did. Ray and I were gonna watch RUSH HOUR, but Gabey didn't want to and started "toot toot!!"….uhhhhh, wtf? Oh he wanted to watch the Thomas the Engine dvd. So we put it on and he got all excited and continued to "toot toot" like a train. Hahahaha…I thought it was hella cute. Tell me why Ray and I fell asleep and 2 hours later I wake up to find Gabey still watching his dvd??? Lol! It just kept going…but he finally got some sleep.
The next morning we get up to meet Nara, Reann, and Frank. We had a play date set up for the boys. We went to Kennedy park. We rode the train, the carousel (I got dizzy), LOOKED at the petting zoo (cause don't do that stuff and I'm scared of that stuff), had a picnic, played in the play area. The boys were suppose to finger paint but we decided that maybe just using washable markers would be cleaner.







That night I had to give him a bath. Something I haven't done. But it wasn't that bad cause he actually liked taking baths. I thought he would cry. Diaper changes weren't as bad as I thought…I was just hoping I wouldn't get peed on. Then after that back to our usual…the dvd! I also found myself watching the PBS kids SPROUT channel with him all week.
Feeding him wasn't too bad at all. He would let me know when he was hungry…which seemed like all the time. But cheerio's was his favorite. He actually ate almost anything. He's not very picky. He liked veggies! I was shocked.
Sunday we went to HAPPY HOLLOW with Martina. That was fun. I didn't even know that place still existed. We went through the zoo part, then to the actual park to ride the carousel and train (again). But this was for him. He ran around and around until we left and then he crashed and slept all the way back home…well to Nino's house for dinner where he wanted to jump into the pool and then made Ray climb a tree to grab some balloon that was stuck.





Monday we hung out at home and walked Milo. In the afternoon, another play date. This time we hung out at Ate Annie's. He of course was shy. But that's normal…until the toys kept coming out. Then he relaxed and was able to step away from me. He loved playing there. He still needed a little more time to get use to the kids. But I know this tired him out cause not even 1 minute after we left, he was knocked out!!! Hahahhaha…he slept from 6 to 10pm…oh boy I thought it was gonna be a long night. He wasn't gonna wanna sleep…But he did around 1 I think.
Tuesday we went to visit Riana at work. For dinner we all went to Chuck E. Cheese for "family fun nite". That was our second time. Riana and Cammy went, Martina( who by the way for someone who don't really like kids did an excellent job as "mommy" that week), Raymond, and Mark. The kids had tons of fun…ok so did the adults cause I think we used up most of the tokens =D
Me and Martina kept saying…"so this is what its gonna be like when we have our own family". "family fun nites", dinners, play dates… The girls sitting around gossiping and catching up, either cooking or watching the baby bags, strollers, purses, ect... while the kids are off playing, and the guys bbq'n or just hanging out doing/talkn bout guy stuff...we cant wait!
That was the last night. By this time he knew his bed time routine. He was getting cranky, grabbed my hand and went to the room. He wanted to watch Thomas. So I put it on. That night was so different form the others. He wanted me to stay with him…he couldn't really sleep. He kept tossing and turning making sure I was still in the room. I had my back to him and he tapped me, I turned around and he hugged me and put his head on my tummy and fell asleep. Awwwww…it was the cutest thing ever! From that point on I knew the answer to my "make it or break it"…that totally melted my heart!
The next day I was so sad that he was leaving. I got so use to him being there. Every time I saw cheerios it reminded me of him. And I was so amused when he would toot…hahahhahaha!!!! I guess I got attached and realized this is what I want. This is what I want in my life…eventually. (I know someone is probably sweating bullets right now….hahahhaa). I can do this. I'm not saying that it was hella easy or that it was a piece of cake. And yes I know its a lot of responsibility…and I know it was only a week. But I can feel it…its meant to be…I know all mushy and stuff…lol. There were times when I felt like a single parent. And I totally commend all the single parents cause it is difficult to do it on your own.
So that was my adventures in babysitting! It wasn't just a thing I had to do that week, but it made me think about my life and future. Martina and I joke bout passing "mommy lessons". This isn't the first time I've watched kids…its just this is the longest period of time. I think I'm ready, (now I know the sweat beads are probably turning into a panic attack… but don't freak out) this is just how I feel…
Thanks to everyone who hung out, helped out, and played with us! We had tons of fun…we have to do it again soon. And thanks to Gabey for letting me walk away from this experience wanting kids…cause at least when he gets older I wont have to tell him that I changed my mind bout kids because of that time I babysat him while his family went on vacation…